February 6th now = Waitaingi Day

Today is an anniversary of sorts. But not a good one. Not one to be celebrated. In fact, it's the 20th anniversary of a horrible event in my family.
I dread February 6th. Every. Year.

20 years ago, on this day.

3 days before my 21st birthday, when I should have been celebrating a rite of passage.

I was devastated and in mourning.

It was the day my grandpa died.

Murdered. Actually.

And every year, I walk around with a tightness in my chest, either on the verge of, or in tears and it's a personal hell. And it generally carries through to my birthday. (Which has been hard to really celebrate)
Until now.

Truly, the shift began last year, while in New Zealand during this time. We were going to celebrate my 40th birthday at the Marlborough Wine Festival on the 9th (Again. Thanks NZer's for throwing me a heck of a bash).
We were encouraged to go to the Waitaingi Day celebrations.

Held each year on 6th February, this holiday commemorates the signing of the Treaty of Waitaingi in 1840, the founding document of New Zealand.

As we made our way to a particular celebration in Akaroa on the South Island, That fear and panic began to once again grow. I tried to breathe through it. Tears filled my eyes. I did the best I could. But once we arrived I was taken with the people, the landscape, the celebrations. I did bring it up with my husband and we discussed. Mostly, he just listened...as he does. My mind was filled with this new (to me) and wonderful event.

A few days later we made our way to Blenheim for the wine festival. 
I had a GREAT birthday! The best one of my adult life.

I had been dreading this day. This BIG anniversary. But today there's been a shift. Nothing is going to change the fact that today is THAT day. The only thing that can change is how I process it and react to it. So I am recognizing and publicly acknowledging it. But no longer am I going to allow the violent actions of someone else ruin my day. Or my birthday.
Having pleasant memories of something else doesn't change things but it does help.

Today.
I'm remembering my grandpa with love, fondness and happy memories.

And in my heart I'm celebrating with my friends in NZ.

Happy Waitaingi Day!